Facing Insecurity to Reach Beyond Your Goals
Photo courtesy of Benjamin Davies
Prevent insecurity from allowing you to move forward and reach your goals.
For years, I let my insecurity guide me. There were times I didn’t even realize it was happening because it was so automatic.
I used to think that whatever my insecurities told me were true. And if I ever felt scared or uncomfortable, insecurity told me to run the other way. And so I did. A very natural response to things that feel dangerous. However, I was far from any real danger.
When I recognized this was happening, I started taking action to fix it which helped me start seeing progress in my career and life.
I realized these feelings I had stemmed from childhood as I struggled to fit in, make friends, and be likeable. I let insecurity pull me to things that weren’t authentic and even let it hold me back from doing things I wanted to do. Too risky! What if I fail? What if I look dumb? What would people think?
When the pressure to fit in faded, as an adult, this pattern of being, doing, and thinking still came along for the ride. It became habit. This resulted in me not moving forward in the things I wanted to pursue; Travel, career, adventure.
I knew insecurity was impacting my life is because I fell back into comforts and stagnated. I wasn’t seeing progress. I wasn’t improving. I avoided doing what I loved.
Insecurity, manifested
My insecurities would also manifest in ways that would set me back even further.
In my early design years, I had designed some Monopoly wedding invitations for a close friend of mine. They were picked up by a Canadian design magazine and were posted online. This was an exciting time as a young designer. My first magazine feature in a national design magazine; A milestone!
I was ripped to shreds in the comments.
There were some initial kind comments but then the trolls came in and it became a swarm of negativity. They not only said my work sucked but they accused me of getting my friends and parents to say nice things. Their logic behind that statement was that there was no way my project was good enough to have such praise and that only friends and family of mine could love it unconditionally.
How hurtful!
The editor chimed in to defend my work but she was also shred to bits in the process, being accused of choosing sub-par work that was no where near the level of design that should be featured.
It was awful. I was devastated. My insecurity chuckled in the background and said “See. Told ya!” While I didn’t engage in the commentary, I did submit a letter to the editor which was published the following month snapping back at the comments I had received. I asked that anyone who thought the work was sub-par needed to put a name to their comment and offer examples of their own work, or the work of others, so we all could learn and grow. And I still feel this way. Don’t critique without offering something in return.
This experience really scared me from putting myself out there ever again.
I took this experience and the words of strangers for truth. “I wasn’t a good designer.” “I should stop designing.” “I have no business in the industry.” The end.
Insecurity, conquered
With the help of a life coach & therapist, I was able to really dig to the root of why I was bothered by the comments.
I came to learn it was because I didn’t have confidence in my work or believe in myself. I came to learn that a poor review or a failure wasn’t the end but a beginning and a change to learn, improve, and find that confidence.
When I knew where my insecurity stemmed from and WHY I was being triggered, I was able to do the work and take action to change the narrative. It’s work; But it works!
Over time, I’ve been able to settle my insecurities a bit and find the confidence to take more risks. If I fail now, it no longer has the meaning it once did. It simply means I need to learn what worked and what didn’t - and try again.
Getting out from under your insecurity
Insecurity is a challenging beast. It can be a lifelong battle that requires constant awareness and practice. Not to mention healthy self-talk. Ready to get out from under your insecurity?
Here are 9 things you can do to start getting out from under your own insecurity.
Identify insecurity
How do you talk to yourself?
What do you believe about yourself?
What are you most challenged by and why?
When do these thoughts or feelings about yourself come up?
Write down 5 things that you feel insecure about or judge yourself about. When you can identify them, you’ll start to notice when they come up or why they come up. And when they do, you’ll be better equipped to stop those thoughts and feelings in their tracks before they lead you too far down the dark path.
Put insecurity on trial
We may not be able to make thoughts, feelings, or uncomfortable moments stop all together but we can stop to observe and question them.
I take these thoughts to “court” so I can hear all sides and get all the evidence before I make a judgement about what to believe. So if I have the belief “I’m not a good designer”, why do I think that’s true? Am I actually?
Beside each of those 5 insecurities or judgements, write down why you feel they are true. Did you have a bad experience? Is this just your opinion of the situation? Are others telling you these things?
Find examples & proof of insecurity
If we’re not actively aware of our thought patterns and are conscious about changing them, automatic responses will kick in and fill the gap. This leaves you to believe these thoughts are true but more often than not, they aren’t true. From that bad magazine experience, I fully believed I was a bad designer like everyone had told me. But when I sat down and analyzed if it was true, I saw so much proof that opposed those comments which started to chip away at that negative belief.
Find examples and proof for AND against those beliefs. Which side is longer?
When you can see thoughts and examples side by side, you can actually see what the truth actually is and what may need to be worked on.
Take action against insecurity
Once you’ve whittled down what your insecurities are, where they come from, and whether or not they are or are not true, you can then take mindful steps to dismantling them.
While I had lots of proof to actually support the fact I WAS a good designer, there was still room for improvement. My work wasn’t as strong as it could have been. I could have spent more time pushing the concept further and step out of the safe zone.
It’s ok if some of your insecurities are true too! That doesn’t mean you can’t get better or do something different. It simply means action now has to be taken to change that narrative & fight against that negative belief.
For each of your 5 examples, which one(s) are you able take action on?
Outline 1-2 small steps that you can easily take to change that narrative.
In my case, I was insecure about my design skills not being strong enough. But I also wasn’t doing anything to help that. After doing this exercise, I was able to search for ways I COULD become better. I could go back to school, practice a couple of hours every night, talk to peers about where I could improve.
Working with a life coach / therapist
Sometimes we can’t do it all by ourselves.
I worked with a life coach and a therapist (at different times) for many years. After which, I went back to school to improve my skills, I connected and networked with new people, and eventually blew those negative thoughts right out of the water.
By challenging the narratives we can begin to rewrite them. Coaches will provide actionable, manageable steps and will keep you accountable to reaching your true potential. Therapists will help you sort out things you may not be able to see for yourself and dig to the root of your behaviours.
Face insecurity, and go for it
We may still have our insecurities but that doesn’t mean we have to let them stop us from trying things.
I recently finished a postcard project I was really happy with and wanted to get the word out – but didn’t know how.
When I sat down to learn about doing it, I got scared. That insecurity crept back in, telling me to be careful. What if I get shredded in the comments again? What if it’s not good enough? What will people think? Who do I think I am? Or what if they’re a big success and I get inquiries to work on big projects? Am I capable of that? (Yes, success can be a source of anxiety & insecurity too).
Instead of cowering away, I put my “experiment” hat on instead. “Let’s just see what happens…” This gave me permission to fail because that’s what experimenting is! You expect to not get it right with the first try. But I wanted to go into it armed with as much information as I could so that I could set the foundation for some kind of success.
I learned all I could from Lauren Hom's amazing resources on how to pitch to blogs and magazines. I then did research on each one and vetted the publication for "fit" to ensure that the audience & editors would be interested. This would give me a higher chance of being featured. Then, without fear or self-judgement, I hit the submit/send button.
Refocus what success looks like
Reaching out to multiple blogs and design magazines was something I never would have done before.
But before, my barometer for success was “get featured and praise for my good work”. When I didn’t get that, it became a soul-crushing fail.
This time, my barometer for success was to simply get featured. I didn’t need the praise this time because regardless of whether I got featured or not, or what people said, I was proud of my project and the fact I stuck my neck out was achievement enough.
Accept rejection without judgement
While I initially received a couple of rejections, I did get featured in 2! DesignBoom & VISI magazine; Both popular digital architecture and design magazines that curate the best in creative fashion, art, & design projects from around the world. The rest I didn’t hear from at all.
Rejection can feel very personal, even if it’s in the form of no response at all. However, we must learn to accept rejection without judgement and as part of the process. There’s something else better suited or more aligned with your goals that will come along. I promise!
During this process, go easy on yourself. You won’t get it perfect. Success on all levels takes time.
Make note of what worked and repeat
Insecurity will try to sneak in over and over again. So it’s up to us to be aware of when they do and repeat those actions to prevent it from allowing us to move forward with our careers and our lives.
What helps is making notes of what worked, where you saw success in the past, and repeat those actions. And that can be a very personal, individual thing so however you want to record that is up to you!
I’m not 100% there myself, even though I’ve spent years working at it. However, when I put in the work and remember the things that worked for me, I tend to find myself not only reaching my goals but reaching beyond them.